Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
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big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Yup
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.