I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
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i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Yup!
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain