“That’s what” – She
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them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
British websites use biscuits.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)