If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
You Might Also Like
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed