Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
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Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.