If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 馃檨
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Laughing far too much 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren鈥檛 supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I鈥檒l tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it鈥檚 wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Don鈥檛 be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.