Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
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(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Lmfao
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before