I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
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Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
[eulogy]
line?
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.