I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
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[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
I didn’t come here to be called names
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.