{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
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I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead