Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
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The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*