Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
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Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
decorating my apartment
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.