My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
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I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY