judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
You Might Also Like
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Day 2 of my diet
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.