I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
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[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song