Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
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First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
no such thing as a dumb question
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*