*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
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when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
knights of the ikea table
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR