Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
You Might Also Like
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
i did the math
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once