I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
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Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are