Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
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ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
This is not me but this is me
dude it’s called proctologist
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym