People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
You Might Also Like
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
They’re not wrong
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
One venti cheeseburger please.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water