Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
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Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?