Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
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No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year oldâs mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no thereâs a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things âchocolateâ if I canât eat them. Thank you.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You donât look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude whatâs wrong with you
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
imagining an 18 year old X Ă A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
The internet is undefeated.. đ
Husband: âWhy do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?â
Me: âSounds good, Iâm starving.â
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
My 6-year-old wouldnât stop playing âthe floor is lavaâ so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: iâm a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Him: Weâre going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesnât want you to be found with any identifiers