Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
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[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.