In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
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Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?