Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
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Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.