I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
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I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
this was the best i’ve ever seen
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
*lint rolls you awake*
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
🤣😂🤣
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it