Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
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*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Beards are a privilege, not a right
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*