[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
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just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
they split up moments later
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”