I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
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my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.