Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
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To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
If looks could kill
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis