Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
You Might Also Like
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Watson was Holmes schooled
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY