Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
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i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.