*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
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I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
socratic questions
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Me: how are you
Friday: good
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.