Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
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Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Brilliant!
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Anyone else having a near life experience today?