My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
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You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Isn’t
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
I laughed at this way too hard.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die