You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
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you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
August 8
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.