DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
You Might Also Like
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.