cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
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I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
This guy gets it.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.