I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
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Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.