Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
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Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse