Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
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Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.