Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
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The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Strangers have the best candy.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.