I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
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me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?