my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
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if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops