If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
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Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
oh no, steve’s working tonight
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory