Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
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Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Go girl power!
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”