Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
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(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
we’re gonna need another temp
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”