Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
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[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no