Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
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I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
How I’d get arrested…
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.